"Contractor Walks Into a Bar..."

There's something about home improvement that touches people's funny bones. (Maybe it's because if we didn't laugh about it, we'd cry.) So the next time you're stuck in the reconstruction zone, lighten up with a little DIY humor.

diy jokes from this old house
Illustration by Zohar Lazar
1 ×

For the Painting Contractor

 

For the Painting Contractor

A just-married homeowner decides to prove to his contractor father-in-law that he's not an incompetent klutz by painting a couple of rooms in the house. The young man gets down to the task at hand and works Friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning. When his father-in-law arrives for Sunday dinner, he finds the son-in-law lying on the floor in a pool of sweat, wearing a ski jacket and an overcoat. "Are you okay?" the father-in-law asks. "What are you doing?" The son-in-law replies that he wanted to prove his competence by painting the house. "So why are you dressed that way?" the father-in-law asks.

"Well," the young man re­plies, "the directions on the paint can said, 'For best results, put on two coats.'"
A just-married homeowner decides to prove to his contractor father-in-law that he's not an incompetent klutz by painting a couple of rooms in the house. The young man gets down to the task at hand and works Friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning. When his father-in-law arrives for Sunday dinner, he finds the son-in-law lying on the floor in a pool of sweat, wearing a ski jacket and an overcoat. "Are you okay?" the father-in-law asks. "What are you doing?" The son-in-law replies that he wanted to prove his competence by painting the house. "So why are you dressed that way?" the father-in-law asks.

"Well," the young man re­plies, "the directions on the paint can said, 'For best results, put on two coats.'"
2 ×

For the Estimator

 

For the Estimator

Three contractors were touring the White House. One was from New York, one from Missouri, and one from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When each replied that he was a contractor, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. You guys want to give me your bids?"

The Florida contractor did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900—that's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Missouri contractor said, "I can do this job for $700—that's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the New York contractor said, without batting an eye, "$2,700."

The guard, shocked by the price, said, "How did you come up with that figure?"

"Easy," said the New Yorker. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."
3 ×

For the Exterminator

 

For the Exterminator

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the wife to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him into the closet stark naked.

The husband, suspicious, searched the bedroom and discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Dead," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. Replied the man, "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and exclaimed, "Oh, no! It's worse than I thought!"
4 ×

For the Do-it-Herselfer

 

For the Do-it-Herselfer

Bubba and Cooter were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she retrieved a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Cooter shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We asks for the height and she gives us the length!"
5 ×

Q:

 

Q:

Why do painters get upset so easily?
A: Because they're very emulsional.


How many union carpenters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. That's an electrician's job.


What did the window say to the door?
A: "What are you squeaking about? I'm the one with the pane!"


What clothes does a house wear?
A: Address.


How'd the new homeowner learn to redo his bathroom?
A: By tile and error, of course.
6 ×

For the Road Scholar

 

For the Road Scholar

A paving contractor walks into a bar with a lump of asphalt under his arm. "A beer, please," he says to the barman. "And one for the road."


For the Sparky

The electrician confided to his apprentice that he thought his wife was trying to poison him at dinner. "What will you do?" the horrified apprentice asked. The electrician responded, "Switch plates, of course."


For the Hardwood-Floor Installer

One afternoon a carpet layer finished installing carpet for a customer. He stepped out to have a quick smoke, only to realize that he had lost his pack of cigarettes. He came back inside and saw a bump in the middle of the room, under the carpet.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one Marlboro," the carpet layer said to himself. So he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was putting his tools away, the homeowner came into the room. "Here, I think this is yours," she said, handing him the pack of cigarettes. "I found it in the hallway...now if only I could find my parakeet..."
7 ×

For the Time-and-Materials Man

 

For the Time-and-Materials Man

A contractor dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations!"

"Are you kidding?" asks the contractor. "Congratulations for what?"

"We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old," Saint Peter says.

"But that's not true," says the contractor, puzzled. "I only lived to be 40."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We added up your time sheets."
8 ×

For the Lumber Dealer

 

For the Lumber Dealer

A college student on a summer job gets sent to a lumberyard to buy materials. "We need some four-by-twos," he says.

The manager replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check."

He drives back to the job site and returns in an hour. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he says.

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." An hour later he returns again and says to the manager, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
9 ×

For the Quack

 

For the Quack

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "sorry about that. It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing 'round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. The duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub, and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus; he talks, drinks beer, and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, "have him call me."

So the next day, when the duck comes in for his beer and sandwich, the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Pays really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great. Where is it?"

"At the circus," the barman says. "The circus?" the duck asks. "That's right," replies the barman.

"That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof and all the cages?" asks the duck.

"Right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused. "What the frick do they want with a plasterer?"
10 ×

For the Window-Treatment-Planner

 

For the Window-Treatment-Planner

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the mother superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring for a while, the nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs, sister," he says. "Now where do you want these blinds?"
 
 

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