12 posts / 0 new
Last post
danstrider
Final Fix

From Reader's Digest:

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from Reader's Digest:

I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: "Nice house," he said. "It’s even self-cleaning."

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from Reader's Digest:

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."

"I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from Reader's Digest:

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.

The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features," he assured them.

The husband was not convinced. "Don’t you have a riding one?" he asked

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from Reader's Digest:

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they’ve gone to Florida for the winter."

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from Reader's Digest:

My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Jesse, and I found Darlene attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can’t get this thing to cooperate," she explained.

"Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?" Jesse suggested.

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

From houserepairtalk.com

A strong young man is standing around with the other old timers boasting about how he can carry more that everyone there.

One Ol timer bets him one weeks wages that he can wheel something in that wheelbarrow that that young punk could never carry.

The young guy boasts "your on old man!!"

With that the old timer puts out his hand and says...."Get in."

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from houserepairtalk.com

(this is terrible)
A person is killed on the job-site....
The police began questioning the workers, based on past brushes with the law, many were prime suspects. They were a motley crew....

Here are some past offences..the plumber leaked these stories because he felt he was trapped.

The roofer had fallen on some bad times and went to the hospital with shingles.Everything was dropped because they felt his 3rd story was ok.
The electrician was once suspected of wiretapping...though was never charged.
The carpenter was almost nailed for trying to frame another man, who thought he was a stud.
The painter has had several brushes with the law...many times he tried to run, his alibis were thin.
The HVAC guy was known to pack heat, he was arrested but duct the charges.
The mason was suspected because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinetmaker was an accomplished counter fitter.

Finally the carpenter confessed,the autopsy confirmed the person was hammered when they died.

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

Also from houserepairtalk.com

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.

Bid opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low bidder - Contractor who was bluffing and is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Architect - Thinks 3 dimensional, draws 2 dimensional....missing one dimension.

Critical path method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the bodies.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditor to strip the bodies. (Good thing this is family orientated)

And saving the best for last....

OSHA - A protective coating made by half baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney....usually applied at random with a shotgun.

danstrider
Re: Final Fix

To finish off my 10th post so I can post picture urls (really, only a 100kb jpg??)

Also from homerepairtalk.com

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

dj1
Re: Final Fix

You did it in a funny way. So where are the photos?

Pages

Sponsored Stories

TV Listings

Find TV listings for This Old House and Ask This Old House in your area.